


Hello

by BluBerryPi



Series: Here Comes A Thought [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Author Is Awkward, Author Is Scatterbrained, Author Is Sleep Deprived, First work - Freeform, I have no idea what I'm doing, Incomplete works, Introspection, Irregular Posting Schedule, Just a bunch of random works thrown together, Kinda Personal Works, Lyrical Pieces, May have depressing, May have humor, Not In Chronological Order, Poems, Tags Are Hard, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, WIP Works, author is severely sleep deprived, emotions are hard, this is all over the place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 7,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22899328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluBerryPi/pseuds/BluBerryPi
Summary: Just a collection of little things written throughout the years.Some are poems, some original lyrics, some inspired by a random tune overheard, some written for a class, and some are just random thoughts scrawled in the margins of countless old notebooks, post-it notes, and scrap pieces of paper.Posts will be occasional and random due to real-life and because I know how I can be sometimes. (That, and I'm posting most of these works from my phone, so the longer ones take a while to type and make that sure it's formatted in the way I want it to be.) I may post 1 or 2 works every once in a while or go and post a couple chapters in a day because I've already written some of them. Many of these random works will not be posted in the chronological order they were first written, but in the order that I find and feel like posting them.Please take note of at least some of the tags.Also, please ask permission first and properly credit me if any of my works are to be used. If any of my works inspire you, then I'm glad to know that, but I would still like to be properly credited. Please and thank you.
Series: Here Comes A Thought [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655449
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Poem

Have you ever looked outside just to watch the falling leaves?

That swaying ever-changing sunset sea

Swishing, swirling, softly in the air, on the ground and in the breeze

A kaleidoscope of colors at your fingertips

And just breathe

Breathe in the crisp autumn air as it tugs at you

Your clothes, your hair, and laughs as you do

With all the colors of the winds and breeze

* * *


	2. Nostalgia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Poem

Have you ever felt overcome with a feeling

A memory that you'd never want to forget?

That feeling, fleeting thought

Something that you'd want to express

Someway, somehow

Maybe through art or words

But somehow the moment

You put the pen, the pencil to paper

It just Disappears

And a moment lost that can't be replicated

I find it sad how a single moment can be washed away

Like nothing more than a dream

Like water slipping through your fingers

Just out of reach

But maybe you can get down that moment

Capture that feeling in your eternal word

Draw it in a way that catches that time perfectly

Maybe you can word it just right

And if you can

It will be awe-inspiring

Breath-taking

Stunning

Incredible

It will be wondrous

And it would be yours

Maybe you can

And maybe you can't

Or maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic

* * *


	3. Promise and Ennui

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A 55-word story challenge

"I'm being bored to tears! Just do something! Anything to end my misery!" 

"Go read something then, and. Stop. Bothering. _Me_." 

"But there's nothing new here!" 

"Then suffer." 

"Tell me a story... Please?"

"Fine. A writer kicks an annoyance out the door." 

"That's not a story!"

"Of course it's not." A grin. "It's a promise."

* * *


	4. A Sea of Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Poem
> 
> Inspired by the 2 definitions of a sound, of the body of water and music

Words fill my head,

Choking on my tongue and down my throat

They roar through my ears,

Fill my every breath

They’re covering the papers that blind my every sense

But this music flows from my lips like a river

Crashes into my life like a wave

And thrums in my veins.

It’ll steal your breath,

Your heart,

And soul

And set it out into that sea of sound,

Pushed along by waves of emotion

And it’ll be beautiful

* * *


	5. ColorFall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An autumnal themed haiku

Colors are changing

The very trees, my palette

Stuck on these cold walls

* * *


	6. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another haiku

The beauty of Life

The very air we breathe in

Taken for granted

* * *


	7. Go to Sleep Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> A lullaby
> 
> Something lyrical

Sleep~ Sleep~ Sleep~ dear childe

Past the Night, through the Day~

Sleep Sandman's childe~

May all of your dreams be happy~

Fly past the Seas, Sail through the Skies~

Stars are twinkling, Constellations in your eyes~

Sleep~ Sleep~ Rest now my childe

Dance through the Day, Sleep past the Dawn~

You are my Darling, You are~, You are~

Hush now my Dearest, Dream now my childe

Dream of the Forest, my Song, and the Wilde~

Wrap it in Moonlight, Shoot like a Star~

You are my Starlight, my Sun, and my Heart~

* * *


	8. When

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> Have you ever felt deplaced in your own time? Like time is rushing past so imperceptibly slowly that it seems like the present just snuck up on you? Like of those few inside jokes that "everybody" knows, but you don't? And when you try to make a joke, that it is considered "outdated"? As if there was an ever-growing chasm between you and everything else? That all that's left of your childhood is nothing but a memory that only you bothered to keep?

Sometimes I feel that I was

born a little too early,

a little too late

Sometimes it is perfect

Then over washed by hate

Too early to understand~

Too late to fit in~

This middle is hard to live in

Oh where’d those times go~

Way back in the past

When the times were fun~

But gone~ so fast

And I’ll pick up the pieces~

Clutch them to my chest

Of those better mem’ries

Of when~ we were at our are best

Because I’ll see the sun~ in our smiles~

And then the full moon in your eyes~

And when I see the stars~

I’ll remember those nights~

Of when~

You were by my side~

* * *


	9. An Author

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A poem
> 
> Words hold power.  
> Writers are artists too in their own right.  
> The difference is that they use words as a medium as opposed to paints and the like.  
> Some even do both.

The artists of worlds,

Maker of the craft.

The weaver of words,

And creator of change.

It is not just black and white,

Not all just grey.

An artist may paint a picture

But it is up to you to interpret it

Just a word,

Just a tiny little voice

That can change it all.

That could change the world,

Or someone’s world,

if they would just try

* * *


	10. Hope like the Brightest of Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece
> 
> Have a hopeful day!

Hope is something we all carry in our hearts. Valued by all... for when there was nothing, there was hope still. Without it, we’d only have despair, and despair is an awful feeling that breaks wills and lives apart. But hope..? Hope strengthens those wills and tightens those close bonds we share with others. It is hope, our heart's dearest wish that anchors us here. Big and small, hope is inside every single being on this planet Earth. You just have to look for it in times of darkness because that is, no matter how small, when it shines the brightest.

* * *


	11. Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song

Why do you judge me by my hist’ry~

judge me by my flaws~

Why can’t you even listen~

listen to my heart~

Know that I’m alive~

even~ if I’ve got scars~

I don’t judge you by your hist’ry~

tell you who you are~

Why can’t you even listen~

let me speak my part~

Know that I’m alive~

Know that I am here~

Know that I would listen~

that I’d give you my ear~

There’s no need to cry~

no need for tears~

There’s no need to lie~

to~ hide your fears~

And if you’re too shy

Just know...~

I’ll always be here~

* * *


	12. The Stars I Cannot Fathom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A [kinda] short piece
> 
> A 2am writing haze has struck once again!
> 
> [I really need to improve my sleep schedule. Google says that I'm severely sleep deprived]
> 
> Inspired in part by the quote: "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.” -John Green, The Fault In Our Stars. And by the "What's a soulmate?" Quote by Dawson Leery, Dawson's Creek.
> 
> Alt. Names: "A Constellation of Thoughts", "Starry Nights", "A Wish Upon A Star", "The Stars I'd Weave For You"

There are so many words that I want to tell you. So many that I want you to know. As many as there are stars in the night sky and just as distant from my reach. 

Oh how I wish upon these distant falling stars of words. That burn across the midnight sky of my mind and disappear just as quickly. 

If I could only fathom these far, far too bright, far too distant stars into a string of constellations. If I could just reach out and pluck them from my mind. To twirl them into strings of constellations and weave them together to form a tapestry of my thoughts. 

To give life and form to these nigh intangible words. To give them the beauty of meaning and leave you in awe of their existence. 

Oh how I yearn to gift these precious little starry words I cannot yet weave into strings of constellations. I've not the skill yet, nor the strength to reach and pull these lonely stars from the endless night skies that encompass my mind. 

If only. If only I could just... I would weave the stars into constellations and tell you the story of every single little star and how they came to be. 

Bursting to life from star dust clouds of emotions that burn their very being into the world. 

I would give you the world if I could. Though I've nothing to give but the knowledge that you are already my own world. 

I would tell you of what life, what feeling that brought about the birth of these starry words into being. 

For you. 

It was always for you. And I would tell you of how these constellations came to be. 

A story of love. A love so strong as to even be able to touch the farthest recesses of space. Of a love that would even surpass blackholes in its strength. Love that would burn as the stars. Everlasting and eternal in its beauty. A love that will linger and continue to shine on long after you and I pass on. One that will light the way in the dark and continue for generations to come. A history of you and me. 

But I... 

I am a terribly weak being. And I apologize to you my love, for being so. I can not give you the world for all that you deserve. 

For you, I've become a starry night sky, full to bursting really, with my words for you. And unfortunately bereft of the strength needed to forge any of my words into reality and paint them upon a canvas for you to see. 

My words, my stars burst into supernova and self-destruct before you, leaving naught but blackholes of self-disgust in their wake at my own cowardice. And I ache with every word left unsaid. 

You deserve better. 

...and I wish that I deserved you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Birthday Post!
> 
> Have nearly three months really gone by since I last posted?
> 
> ...Well then. 
> 
> Better late than never I guess? *sheepish laughter*


	13. Born This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poem
> 
> Thirteen [whole] sentences for no.13
> 
> Also pride month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was written in a maudlin kind of mood

Who.

Who said that

They have the right

To label us

To label this

To put you

To put me

To put us

Into a box

And hide us away.

Who.

Who gave them

The right

Who gave them

The ability

To take yours

To take mine

To take ours

Away.

What did we do

What didn't they do

To break us

To take from us

Who

We were

Born

To be.

How.

How dare they

Bind us

Maligned us

Find us

Unworthy

Unnatural

And

Inhuman.

How dare they

Cause harm

And

Call us

Monsters

When we

Are human

Too.

God?

Did God give them the right

He, who loves all His children?

How then

Are we hated

Berated

Subjugated

For having been born

To this

Like this

In the name of love

In the name of His love.

Why?

For what

Must we suffer

For love

In the name of love

For life

In the name of life

Why

Must we suffer

To survive

In a world

We should have

Lived in.

* * *


	14. Feelings in the Graveyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short story
> 
> The result of playing with personification while depressed and maudlin at 3am
> 
> Alternate Titles: The Graveyard of Misfit Thoughts, The Graveyard of Lost Things

Under the light of the full moon, in the darkness of the night, a figure watches over the slighter silhouette of another as the other shovels to fill in the new grave. Only the sound of shoveling and the shrieks of crows overhead break the silence blanketing this desolate night.

An exhale, and then a deep baritone rings out.

"Bury it. Bury it and if it struggles and tries to claw its way back out... kill it. Kill it and make sure that it's deader than dead this time and then lay it to rest properly. Bury it deep, deep down. Deep enough that if even after all that and it's still not dead... bury it again. Deep enough so that no one, not even you can hear its dying screams. Deep enough that it'll never be able to crawl and claw its way up again. Alright?"

A pause as the other finishes shoveling and then a nod. "Okay."

A hesitant shift as the shovel is set down, lips purse in thought before a quiet voice calls out a question. "...and if a new one pops up again?"

"Don't make me repeat myself when I already told you what to do."

"Understood."

"...And if you even think of disobeying..." An arm waves at their surroundings. "You'll be joining them next here. Am I clear?"

"Crystal."

A tired sigh. "I know that you must be new to this kind of thing, but you'll understand that it was for the best soon enough. It was just safer to get rid of them before they can hurt you or anybody else. Especially after what happened the last time one got loose and hurt so many... " A pause. "It's just... safer like this."

And so on the way out of the graveyard Disappointment passes by a resigned Contentment who sits before the grave of a newly dead Happiness in a graveyard of lost [childhood] things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was kinda depressing... and a bit dark.


	15. Our Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First half: a little piece  
> Second half: song lyrics based off part 1

[We are the protagonist of our own story, the antagonist in others, a supporting character in our friend's, and a background character in the rest of the world's stories. We are the origin of our story. We can be a page in others, a whole chapter, or even just a part of a throwaway one-liner. We could just be a part of a character development arc or thread through the entirely of someone else's storyline. We could be a part of someone's origin story, their past, or the one who would continue on their tale, their future. No one really knows what Life has in store for them. So let's make it [our story] a good one.]

We're part of a story, we're part of an end

And nobody knows when it begins

We're in for a chapter, we're here for the book

And sometimes we're only a glance or a look

We're part of our story, we are its end

and we are boring, forgotten

And then we'll see colors, the words, the art

And we'll be the tale inside their hearts

Cuz we're part of the story, a chapter begins

the ink of our heart is flowing

We're part of the prologue, we're part of the book

We're cast in the movie that Life took

After that we'll pause, we'll read, we will see

Maudlin, Nostalgic, our memories

Then we'll flip the pages, caress the ink

of this well-worn book

Of what our story took

* * *


	16. A seed of [love]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> Concept: love is like a plant to be nurtured

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words in the [ ] can either replace or overlap the word directly before it

Fall, falling, fallen

Freeze, freezing, frozen

Buried, beneath, the snow

Wait for spring [love], till I, can show

Budding, budding, bloom

Woven, within, earth's [fate's] loom

Weaving, woven, begun

Waiting, for the [my], sun

Breezy, blowing, wind

Birds, and flowers, sing

Calling, to, above

Showers, to [from] my, love

Waking, waken, wake

Shaking, shaken, break

Arms, open, wide

Always by my side

Growing, growing, grown

Never, always, shown

Blooming, blossom, anew

My love, look how, we grew

Here, at my, roots

These, are my, truths

You, are my, sun

My always, loved, one

Reaching, to the, sun

We'll never, be, done

The sky's, not always, blue

Our sun, has set, on you

Stars across your eyes

Night ends, with dawn's, arise

Here, beneath, the moon

I'll never, forget, you

* * *


	17. Songbird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> To the tune of 'Time Adventure'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funnily enough, to the discord server that I'm in, this was in fact written months before I had even read 'Canary'

Somber little songbird

Singing sad little songs

Somber little songbird

Singing stories about

Somber little songbird

Singing her little heart out

Somber little songbird

Singing a screaming shout

Somber little songbird

Soaring through the skies

Somber little songbird

Singing sorry sighs

Somber little songbird

Who gave up this time

Somber little songbird

Singing softer still

Somber little songbird

Who fell quite ill

Somber little songbird

Singing sad little songs

Somber little songbird

Who was never heard at all

* * *


	18. No Right to Speak Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A poem

you.

you would not speak to me.

So hold your silence.

you do not speak with me.

So you have lost that right.

Now hold to your silence

and I will speak.

you once told a child to shut up.

you reprimanded a child's screams.

As childish, you said.

you deafened your ears

and turned the other way.

And so I never looked up to you.

Now, having grown, you tell me to speak.

That I should have spoken up then.

And now I will speak.

And in your favor I will not.

As you had done for me.

your confusion to my present rage is insulting.

As you had insulted my own past confusion.

As I now insult your willful ignorance.

Bright eyes once looked upon this world in wonder

And now, a burning rage sparks within them.

you tried to drown my spark

And now it will burn you.

To the you who tried to silence,

to smother my words

I speak,

as many,

to you,

to more than you.

I will not hold the silence.

The one you kept me under.

I will speak freely.

Freer than you'd ever like.

I will speak.

And I will be heard.

I had found.

As I had been found.

I had listened.

When willed deaf ears would not.

Now you will stand there.

And you will listen as you never did.

Just as you had never given me the right.

I will act.

I will speak.

I will persevere.

I will overcome this.

And I will live.

Here, in the light of what you'd done.

you have no right to speak now

* * *


	19. Persephone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was originally untitled until a comment I saw on discord  
> Title credit to: Feli#7389

You are spring, my dear. You are spring. Not summer, not fall, nor winter. But spring. Spring in full bloom. Spring having broken past the harsh cold of winters past. Having budded life, bursting from the ground to cover the world in lush greens. Life blossoms from nothing before your radiant rays of sun. Though summer may burn with a passion and exclaim colors galore. It was first born from the life of spring. Remember that summer only begins with you. Remember this, that even the burning passion if summer dies to fading embers so that autumn may begin. That flames burn out and autumn embers die to the cold of winter. That for all the harsh frigid nature of winter, it all fades with the warmth if spring. And you. You, my dear, are the life of spring.

* * *


	20. On the Concept of 'Self'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A [kinda] short piece
> 
> Was written at Depression O'CLOCK  
> Warnings: Angst, Knives 🔪, Self-hatred, Suicidal Ideation, etc.

Life's greatest lie, is that we only die once. If anything, we die an innumerous amount of times throughout our supposed lifetimes. We kill. We _murder_. We die, so many countless times, in so many different ways. Roaring in defiance. Regretfully. Screaming. Shamefully. Silently, without a single word or whisper to its genesis before being snuffed out. This death. This _carnage_. This _wrathful_ , _ruthless_ cutting of our 'self'. This _massacre_ of 'self' and thought. Our own doing. Hands _tainted_ crimson, tinted blues, _scarred_ beyond all recognition. We can't even recognize our 'self' in the _mirror_. What a beautiful lie that we've woven. And now we are _choking_ on it, in it. With no one to blame but our 'self'.

We chose this. To kill off parts of our 'self'. To cut our 'self' into a more "perfect" being. A murder of 'self'? Or suicide? Oohh... Society may have handed us the knives, but we _listened_. Even when we _knew_ that we shouldn't have. Even as we screamed in silent _agony_ , with a _smile_ as we ripped our 'self' to shreds. As we _murdered_ our smile. Too big. Too wide. Too many teeth. As we _choked_ our laughter. Too loud. Too "maniacal". Too sharp. As we _buried_ thoughts and dreams. Too crazy. Too off-topic. Too loud. Too _free_. We willingly (not at first. _never_ at first.) sheered off parts of our 'self'. We slowly chipped away everything that we were told that was "wrong".

But they look at us strangely now. We only did what we were told to. We were _obedient_. We killed defiance. So why the strange look? Are we not "perfect" now? ... We.. We aren't "whole" enough...? What...? _What_ "whole"? You said that an unpolished gem needs to be cut to shine... But now we don't _fit_? ... Enough. We tire of this. We just want it to end now. This has dragged on long enough. We have _bled_. We have _murdered_ our 'self'. And for what. Nothing. For _nothing_.

Let's just end this farce already. We were already nothing. There is nothing left of our original "whole" 'self' anymore. Just a broken, fragmented being who tires more and more of life, and of humanity. We never wanted to hurt _anyone_. But we did. We hurt our 'self' and we _broke_ us. The us who was nothing before, and now even more so. Let us rest. Let us return to nothingness once more. There is _nothing_ left for us in this place. Let us leave this mortal body, that which bound us. We aren't that _good_ of a person. We weren't even that _good_ at _being_ a person. We know this. Onward bound, for heaven, for hell, or whatever purgatory. We don't care anymore. With the same knife that society gave to us. Just let us be free. Of this _body_. Of this _mind_. Of this _life_. Just _free_ from here. All we want to be is _free_.

* * *


	21. Empty Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> Kinda depressing
> 
> Written on one of the bad days when my depression was even worse
> 
> Warnings for: depression, self-hatred, suicidal ideation

Some days I'm just lacking energy

So I'll go out and choke down some kerosene

But I'll feel like I'll blow up like gasoline

Cuz I feel I'm close to bursting at the seams

It's too much for me

Some days I just feel like I'm empty

Running out of these happy memories

I feel my depression setting in

My happiness is slowly fading

And I'm slipping

Some days I just look so serene

But there's a storm raging internally

I'm chock full of this poisonous enmity

Treating everyone like my enemies

And I hate this me

But I can't change even if I try

No~ and nothing'll change even if I cry

So why~ do~ I?~

[Cuz I'm too scared to die]

No~ They won't see the pain in my eyes

And I won't see cuz I made myself blind

Oh~ I'll scream and shout

But I can't get these words out

This darkness in my head

Makes me wish that I was dead

But I won't shed a tear

No, I won't make a sound

Cuz I promised to stay here

And not 6 feet underground

Oh~ I promised to stay

So I won't say another word

So I'll stay another day

Cuz I promised to her

* * *


	22. Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece
> 
> On the duality of being
> 
> Was written for a prompt for an introduction
> 
> The second half has a throwback to Ch.15: "Our Story" of this collection

I…I am a child of this universe, of this Earth, and my Mother. Bound to this flesh by my blood and mind. My existence is singularly unique and utterly mundane. Shaped and forged by a myriad of memories and experiences years in the making. Made anew again and again. Shaped by hands gentle and rough. Young and old. Kind and cutting. Experienced and not. A vessel having been filled to the brim with emotions, and empty all at once. Splashed in a variety of colorful feelings. Weak and strong. Dark and bright. Edges made sharp, made dull by pains; numbed to and agonized by such a state of being. A contradictory existence. A human.

Written in my heart and inked into the library of my mind are the stories of all the people that I know, know of, and my own. I am the protagonist of my own story, an antagonist in others, a supporting character in the narrative of those close to me, and nothing more than a background character in the rest of the world’s stories. I am the origin of my story. I could be a page in others, a whole chapter, or even just a part of a throwaway one-liner. I could just be a part of someone else’s character development arc or thread through the entirety of someone else’s storyline. I could be a part of some stranger’s origin story, their past, their future. Though no one truly knows what life has in store for them, I think that I’m content with what I do, who I do have in my life. I think that I’d like to be an important part of the stories of all whom I hold dear. I am the protagonist of my story, but it is not just my story alone. It is a part of a web made up of the world’s stories being woven into the tapestry of history. And I am glad and I am grateful for all of the stories that I have taken and partaken in. For all of the people who have been in the background, my antagonists, and my supporting characters. For however long they were a part of my story, from a mere page to a chapter, to being a consistently present thread up until now and beyond, or gone far too soon for my tastes. I have grown and am growing still, and I hope to grow even more in the coming years.

* * *


	23. Nightlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A [kinda] short piece
> 
> Inspired in part by: Lullaby For A Stormy Night by Vienna Teng, Grow as We Go by Ben Platt, and The Call by Regina Spektor
> 
> For my big sister

When you were younger, you used to be absolutely terrified of the dark. Of beasts and shadows. Of boogiemen in the dark and other creepy crawlies. Monsters under the bed and demons lurking around corners. Of horrors lying in wait, just out of sight. Around the corner where you can not see. The mere thought would leave you nigh petrified with fear.

So your older sister will just sigh exasperated. She’ll tease you for fearing such ridiculous things. But, she’ll still get up and out of bed, muttering complaints with every step, and plug in the nightlight. She’ll grab your favorite teddy bear from across the room, where the shadows had hidden it from view. She’ll groan about having such a troublesome scaredycat for a little sibling. But she’ll tuck you into bed, gently by her side, regardless of her grumbles about how little brats should be good and let her sleep. Although her actions fill you with warmth, you’ll whine of course, that you definitely weren’t scared. Then she’ll laugh, mockingly, jokingly, fond, and the dark just doesn’t seem so scary anymore when it hides weakness and shared smiles, and not monsters in the night.

In the light of day you won’t be scared anymore. You’ll have to be in control and control yourself once more. But for tonight, for these quiet nights, when you're not alone, never alone, and you feel warmed by her side. On those nights you’ll dream of impossible things, you’ll feel unstoppable and fear nothing with her at your back. Your protector and guardian. A grumpy and caring, always caring hero of the night. Your own personal dark knight. Your nightlight, who drives off fears and brightens your twilit nights.

Years have passed since then and the dark no longer scares you as it once had. Nightlights are no longer a necessity to sleep at night. You and your older sister no longer sleep side-by-side. You no longer share a room, and you sleep in separate beds now. There is an unfamiliar joy found in this new independence, this new freedom from fears. You wear blue. You hate sparkles. You take school even more seriously. You made friends, best friends. You learned to play the violin. You devour countless books and stories. You laugh. You have crushes. Your heart breaks and is put together once more. You're traveling on your own path now. Going to new places and experiencing different things. Your paths run side-by-side, but they are no longer quite so entangled now. You’re growing up. You both have.

Although you are more physically separate, you’re still close. Of course you both are, but now you're just growing your own wings. To take flight to new and distant shores though you’ll always come home. You’re just branching out and pursuing your own paths. Sure they’ll overlap from time to time before separating once more, but that’s just a part of growing up. Growing together, around one another, and by each other’s side. No matter how far you’ll travel, you’ll both remain a constant in the other’s life. No matter how far you’ll both stretch and branch out, your roots, dug deep and strong, remain side-by-side. Above the surface, you bend and grow further apart, but at your roots, you are as close as ever.

* * *


	24. A Starry Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A [kinda] short piece
> 
> Reminiscing about stargazing in the past

A deep breath in and crisp clean cool air burns in your lungs. It’s a good ache and helps you stay awake. Freshly fallen snow crunches beneath the tarp that you are huddled on top of. The old wooden planks of the second floor of the deck creak as if to protest your weight and the snowfall. Despite being swaddled in the quilts over your winter coat, the cold still manages to bite into your hunched-over form.

Craning your head upwards ever so slightly to look out into the pitch night, your gaze falls upon the silhouettes of great evergreen pines. Boughs outstretched and straining, reaching out into the night are dotted with frost. Beads of frozen dew and icicles glint beneath the pale moonlight and glitter with the light of stars. Smoke rises in curls from the faint outline of chimneys below while meager amounts of soft warm light seep from windows. Eyes fall shut as you breathe in the soothing air, fresh with the scent of pine and you can almost taste the barest trace of smoke on the back of your tongue. With the soft light below and the light of stars above, the scenery laid out before you almost seems like a dream, the night blurring the edges between perception and twilight.

The moonlight reflecting off of the pure white snow is almost glaring as opposed to the pitch-black night. An exhale fogs up the air before you and clouds your view of the starlit skies for a brief moment before fading. Neck now bared to the open air as you gaze upwards, past the moon and over stars into the gaps of space beyond your sight. It is here, raised above the ground and beneath the skies farther than the horizons, that you feel so imperceptibly small in comparison. Alone on the second floor of the deck, you are almost laughably minuscule in the face of this nigh-infinite sky. Like a single mote of dust drifting upon a lonely zephyr. It is a quiet and humbling thought. The night was all but silent besides the breeze and the crunch of fallen snow. It was as if the entire world fell silent in its slumber but for a breath. Then another breath lost to the breeze before you shiver. All at once sound surges forward to fill in the space that black hole of thought left behind and the world resumes.

It is only now that you hear more. A set of footsteps that crushes the snow beneath their heels comes up from behind you, nearly harsh in its volume in the wake of the silence before. Then a voice exasperated yet fond all the same calls out to you.

“It’s cold out so I made some hot cocoa, and I made some for you too.”

A figure now stands before you, arm outstretched with a still-steaming mug. You feel warmer already as a smile tugs at your lips, fond and thankful. Gratefully you respond.

“Thanks.”

“Anything for you.”

Now sitting side-by-side, steam rising still in curls and wisps from your untouched mugs. You both take in deep breaths in tandem and drink in the rich sweet scent of the hot chocolate in your uncovered hands. The mug near scalding in its warmth on your near frost-bitten fingertips and it burns just the same down your throat, just like it did on your tongue. Slower now, you take another tentative gulp and rich warm chocolate fills your mouth with its flavor and the air with its scents. Twin exhales of contentment before a shared glance and then laughter fills the open air, ringing pleasantly in your ears. Then another sip of that warm goodness before you once again crane your neck upwards, rising gaze once more trained upon the skies.

Your eyes pass a veritable sea of stars, but that wasn’t what you were out here to see. A soft murmur comes from your right.

“It’s a beautiful night tonight. Just a little longer, it should be beginning right around now-!”

An arm shoots out from under warm quilts, finger pointed skyward.

“Look!”

Then in the corner of your eyes, you see it, just a flash, but there. All at once more streaks of light take to the skies. They flash on the dark canvas of the night and you see them. A comet? A meteor? Shooting stars. Falling streaks of light hail the beginning of tonight’s meteor shower and the sight leaves you breathless in the face of its beauty.

* * *


	25. A garden blooming in your chest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A [kinda] short piece
> 
> Inspiration credit to the fictional "hanahaki" sickness
> 
> For my family
> 
> Can't properly emotions, writes this anyway in the hopes it will express it better, success?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flowers in the text can basically be substituted with the meaning in the [ ] for the chosen flower. The meanings are listed in mentioned order [or close to it I think] and separated by the type of feelings [bad/good] that they represent.
> 
> (Type) of Flower [Meanings] Used:
> 
> Petunia-[frustration], [anger]  
> Carnation (yellow)-disdain, rejection or [disappointment]  
> Foxglove-[insecurity]  
> Marigold-[pain], grief  
> Zonal Geraniums-[disappointed expectations]
> 
> Sunflower-pure and lofty thoughts, [adoration], longevity, [loyalty]  
> Honeysuckle-[devoted affection], [bonds of love]  
> Suzuran (Lily of the valley)-sweetness, humility, [returning happiness], [trust]  
> Carnation (pink)-[love of a mother] or a woman  
> Carnation (white)-[innocence], [pure love]  
> Chrysanthemum (white)-[loyalty]  
> Roses (yellow)-[platonic love]

For all intents and purposes, frustration is the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of the inability to change or achieve something. Personally, it is an awful feeling and at times even sickening in its weight as it takes root in your chest. It begins with swallowing down a little seedling of petunia, easily ignored at first. It’s small, barely-there and for something insignificant, it is just as easily weeded out of your system like a small cold. It may be annoying, but you don’t care all that much. It happens, it’s normal, it can be dealt with. You are in control.

But maybe it’s a little worse. Maybe you care a little more. Maybe that little seedling begins to sprout in your emotion-rich veins. And it eats at you. Now it’s a little harder to breathe. Now your chest aches and throbs. Watered in your tears, weeds begin to bloom and they eat away at your energy. It hurts because you care, and it hurts even more due to the fact that you care. Like a weed, they are everywhere now, not just in your chest. Closing your eyes and counting to 10 doesn’t help. You can feel them. You feel too much. You’re seeing sunshine yellow carnations behind your eyes, always in the corner of your sight.

You can feel it itching in the back of your throat when Mother starts to get sick more often. When your sister becomes depressed. When the stress gets to be too much. It’s filling your chest, close to bursting really. It’s too deeply rooted in your being to prune out now. Your chest burns with zonal geraniums. It hurts when you spit up petunias and when you cough up more, it feels like poison on your lips. You feel helpless, and then angry because you feel helpless because anything is better than this aching pain in your heart. It’s what you choke down when Grandmother was in the hospital. When your little brother was too, because. He. Couldn’t. Breathe. And it is what kept up you that night until well into the morning. Until you hear of better news. When your little sister cries because of a friend, now ex-friend. When you fail to do anything to help them because you’re too young, too inexperienced, too you. You hate it. You hate it so much. Because it means that you failed the people that you care about, people that you love more than anything in this life. You are one of your mother’s eldest children. You want her to be proud of you. You want to protect all of them so much. And so it burns when you fail. You’ll choke down more and more blossoms in your chest so they won’t worry because you are the one supposed to protect them.

So it is only in the dead of the night, while the rest of the world slumbers on, and hidden in your room that you finally spill a veritable garden from your lips. A bouquet of yellow carnations, petunias, foxglove, and marigold. It had been burning in your chest for days and the taste still lingers on your tongue. And even though you can’t shake the foxglove in your heart, you don’t regret allowing the sunflower or the honeysuckles to bloom. Even if you loathe the carnations dyed yellow with disappointment, those pure white and lovely pink carnations are dear to you. On some days those steadfast white chrysanthemums, yellow roses, and suzuran are your raisons d'être. On other days, they can burn worse than the marigold in your system. The good blossoms can be just as bad for your health, but you wouldn’t have it any other way because those precious blooms are proof that you love and care.

Plants need to be nurtured and watered with care for them to grow well or they can shrivel up when neglected the care that they need, the blossoms unrealized and discarded. Emotions are like flowers, in that they need the gardener, you to care. These emotional blossoms are watered with feelings. A lack of control results in a wild garden that can be dangerous. Or allows for weeds to overtake the garden and choke out the growth of better blooms. Overwhelming negative emotions can drown out the good ones. It’s good to have control and prune out the worst of the weeds. But even weeds can look beautiful and the ones that are good for you can look ugly and be poisonous to the untrained hand. Some plants, like emotions, can be dangerous when mishandled or dealt with improperly. Some plants are hardier than others, just like how some feelings can linger no matter how hard you try to prune them out. Some can even grow and blossom unbidden as some emotions do. Emotions are like flowers and people are veritable gardens of emotions.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When: "carnations dyed yellow" is mentioned, it's referencing the other [white/pink] carnation meanings being tainted by the meaning of yellow carnations used. Essentially, love that has been tainted by disappointment. 
> 
> *All parts of the suzuran flower are highly poisonous even in small amounts despite its more positive flower meaning.


	26. Too High, Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song

Why is it so hard to be close  
To open up my heart  
To not let my fear tear us apart

My mind welcomes shadows  
My fears choke my heart  
None of my words ever reach my mouth

I drown in a sea of faces  
I shrink beneath their eyes  
All of those gazes, make me want to run and hide

I want to be close  
I want to touch your heart  
My speech does not convey enough to start  
I fear, that this is where we part

I fear meeting strangers  
Boxed in by our relations  
My fears just keep on racing  
Being close just seems dangerous

Bruised from hitting walls  
Too scared to let mine fall  
Under all these stares  
I doubt my will to dare

Being close is like a dream  
But one that is ripping at the seams

I doubt that I'll ever be comfortable  
To be close, I wonder if [it is even possible/I am even able]  
Being close just seems so far  
'Cause you're like a shooting star

* * *


	27. You Are Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> Dedicated to a special server filled with rainbow sheep, clouds, and an assortment of other collectives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it!

You are loved.  
You are important, You are cared for  
You are loved.  
'Cause even when life keeps getting rough  
You are loved.  
Even when dark thoughts consume your mind  
You'll have us.  
In silence, in whispers, in gestures  
We'll be there no matter what.  
Because if you ever need an ear,  
This server's got plenty of them.  
And even when hoping seems too tough  
We'll be your knights-in-coded armor.  
Hugs & Hearts, and Care & Love  
There's plenty of.  
Because if the darkness becomes too much  
We can be the light or hand to help you up.  
No matter what we'll be here  
You'll have us.  
You are loved.  
You are important, You are cared for  
You are loved.  
You are worth it, You are talented  
You have our love.  
You are important, You are cared for  
You are enough.

* * *


	28. You Are My Starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> A parody of You are my sunshine

You are my Moonlight  
My only Starlight  
You make me happy  
When darkness awaits  
You'll never know dear  
How much I love you  
Please don't take my one light away  
Please don't take my dear heart away

* * *


	29. Deck the Halls Parody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> Belated mini bonus Christmas content that I forgot to post earlier

~~Deck the halls and not your family~~  
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 ~~Even if they are annoying~~  
Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 ~~If you do that, you'd be arrested~~  
Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

 ~~Never said you couldn't imagine~~  
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

* * *


	30. Sandcastles and Shells, Night and Day, You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece
> 
> An socially anxious introvert is found by a caring friend-shaped extrovert who takes care of them and then has some feelings over the years

I'm sorry that I called you annoying, that I push you away. Something your care just seems suffocating, and I don't know what to say. Battering on my walls, chipping holes in my defenses and clawing your way in. Dragging and pulling me out of my hard, soft shell. Persistent as the sea and constant as the waves, eroding away my fears and softening my harsh edges like sharp stones into smooth sand. You're a special kind of person. Friend-shaped and kind. Bright and warm like the sun. And I wish to be as the moon who reflects your brightness on even the darkest of nights, but never the eclipse that which blots out your light. But I am a mere human who can do little more than bask in the warmth of your glory. And feel undeserving of such.

* * *


	31. Senseless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece

Can you see? I'm dying inside  
Can you smell? The death that clings to me  
Can you hear? The sound of my heart breaking  
Can you taste? The tears running down my cheeks  
Can you feel? Me tremble as I break[down]  
Can you even sense a thing?

No. I can't see beyond my tears  
No. I can't smell a thing other than despair  
No. I can't hear anything above my fears  
No. I can't taste a thing apart from shame/ashes  
No. I can't feel anything anymore except pain  
No. Nothing at all beyond the agonizing numbness

* * *


	32. ... --- ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece

Hey...can you see me?  
Can you see me?  
I know that you're not deaf.  
Am I painfully visible but hopelessly ignored?  
Am I ...real?  
Hey...can you hear cries?  
My weeping or my sorrows?  
Can you taste my bitterness and my despair?  
I don't know how many tomorrows I'll have, so ~~can't you listen to this dying request?~~  
Please don't ignore me like the rest.  
If you can hear me  
If you can see me  
Please just give me a sign,  
Anything  
I just want at least 1 person ~~to see me~~ alive to hear my voice  
To see ME  
To know if I'm alive? ~~or dead inside~~  
Am I a ghost?  
Am I dead?  
I can't tell for myself  
So please tell me instead  
I'm lonely  
I'm scared  
One day the darkness will consume me  
And I don't know if I can survive it again

* * *


	33. Scar[r]ed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece
> 
> It's okay to be scared because you've been scarred before
> 
> For attaco, because they said that they found it poetic and for that alone, I thought that it would be nice to share it with you all too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!

"Is there a way back if you're depressed?"

* * *

I think there is..? There are others and people who have learned how to manage depression so, there _is_ hope.

It's... kinda like a scar. It aches every now and then. You can be perfectly fine one day and then catch a glance of the scar in the mirror and backslide once again. It can fade over time, but never truly go away. Not really.

A stark reminder of the pain that you _know_ is there even when it's easier to forget some days. But the scar is also a reminder that wounds heal with time. And no matter how long it takes, they _do_ fade with time. Faster still with proper care.

Even if it never really goes away, we _do_ eventually heal. It just takes some time and for some, longer than others. Especially when we take the severity of the originating wound into account.

It takes longer when we constantly pick at the scabs or harshly pour salt into them to clean them instead of gently. It'll hurt, but as long as we are alive, we heal, eventually. It just takes some time and care to get there.

* * *


	34. Cries of the Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> A bard [that had been raised on the stories of the golden age of his birth empire] sings for his home that is falling to ruin under the rule of a tyrant and corrupt/negligent nobility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The words in [ / ] can substitute for one another
> 
> This first spark of inspiration for this song was during a history class and it snowballed from there when I began to play D&D
> 
> It is a song that was written 2-3 years ago

When our laws forget our people  
When our people forget their hearts  
When our rights are forgotten  
We all will fall apart

When our values lose their luster  
When our masks are who we are  
When we've forgotten how to tell the truth  
We'll tear ourselves a p a r t

When the sky cries for its people  
When the land forgets its [seas/trees]  
When we've forgotten where we've come from  
Then the winds will howl for thee

When we've forgotten who we are  
When we've forgotten who we've been  
When we forget all of our friends  
Well I'll sing for you a story, a story of the end

When we cry ourselves to sleep  
When we're restless through the night  
When we shut [out/off] our feelings  
Because those words hurt like knives

When we've fallen from our haven and all there's left is hell  
When the flame of this country's pride is nothing but embers  
But I would gladly lay down my life for this falling empire

* * *


	35. A serving of depression & anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short piece
> 
> A stream of consciousness

It's dark out...but oh so very bright

I feel warm and cold all at once inside

Words scorching and freezing in the same breath

It's odd...this feeling of disconnect and being all too painfully _here_

I smile, even while I am sad

My chest burns, but I am fine (I feel _cold_ )

But even when I weep...my eyes are dry

I'm screaming and screaming and _screaming_

My throat hurts from choking on all of the words I (couldn't say) said

I'm breathing... In. Out. In. Out. ( _Out._ )

So why don't I _feel_ okay?

So why does it _feel_ like I'm drowning (all over again)?

I'm talking to myself, but I can't hear a thing

They're whispering again and I can't seem to leave (my head) it all behind me

I just want to feel like _me_ again

* * *


	36. Glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short song
> 
> Inspired by The King's Avatar (Quánzhí Gāoshǒu)

Weapons spelled by fate

Arms that reached too late

Glory for us all

How did we just fall?

I'm crashing, I'm burning

I'm flying, I'm soaring

To skies where I can be

My wings that set me free

Battles wrought

and

Gods are fought

They want for us to fall

But we will beat them all

It's "Glory" for us all!

* * *


	37. Past Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A song
> 
> (Person A)
> 
> Person B
> 
> [Together]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the oldest songs that I've written, from when I first began to write these things down instead of just letting them flow through me like a sieve to be forgotten once done

(Do you remember, when it all began~

Do you remember, when we were just children~

Do you remember, when the sky was the limit~

Do you remember, remember when~)

I remember, when we were younger~ (just children)

We were so carefree~ (memories)

I remember (back then) we had dreams~ (but now)

They're tearing at the seams~! (ooh~)

[Remember our times together

Remember when we played games~

Just remember me forever and don't forget~]

[Remember our times together

Remember our hopes and dreams~

Do you remember back when you cared about everything~

Do you remember, remember then~]

...yeah...I remember...

* * *


	38. A Bookworm's Hoard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short ramble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!
> 
> And a belated Happy Lunar New Year to those who celebrate it.

I love reading. But if you asked me why, I would tell you this: 

Reading is like finding a locked chest and choosing to pick up the key. From the first word, the first page, the first book, and the first treasure.

Each one risks the chance of being a Pandora's Box. From risking finding a treasure or a tragedy of being. A whole new world --of memories and experiences-- at your fingertips.

New, flashy, gilded chests with only lumps of charcoal within, barring a few flecks of gold. Old, rustic, weathered chests containing long-lost treasures and hidden gems.

The thrill of the find, the excitement, and the journey all being worth the wait.

That.

 _That_ is why I love reading.

* * *


End file.
